Scan 34
Musical Courier 1895-11-06: Vol 31 Iss 818, 1895
89 lines. Read by computer on 23 September 2026. Printed page 35. See the scan on archive.org.
1HOW TO EAT.
3PEWTER TOWN, Jew Jersey, November 8.
5Dear Musical Courier:
7You must really excuse me for sending you only a short extract of Jake Fake's speech at the late banquet, but the most of it was lost by the stenographer, and the complete speech goes into everlasting oblivion, where really the whole of it should have gone. Jake, however, remained in good humor because he had spoken so much of himself; when he makes himself the leading subject it is always of interest to himself, no matter how much it may cake on the stomachs of the rest of mankind.
9You know, of course, that Jake is a great eater. He can tell you the name of every brand of wine by looking at the label on the bottle. He is what they call in France a gourmand à la gazame, which means here, if I am not mistaken, a big eater who loves to have others pay for him. His eating experience beats anything I have ever run across outside of Jake's own gall, which is herculean, but diaphanous. He is getting up a series of accounts of his "Great Dinners with Great Men" and has given me proof sheets to take home for my wife to make up menus for our home. I send some to you now for perusal and study. Take some home.
11Dinner with the Earl of Sweetbread.
13We were seated at a table in the Sewer Club, facing at that time Park lane, where it meets Houndsditch, the Earl in a gray surtout, and I in a lovely Prince Albert, with trousers to match, and no watch or chain. I kept the latter in their usual place, to redeem them at the proper time. The Earl, novice though he was, asked me to order the dinner, knowing that I was an authority on stomach, and let me tell my gentle reader what I, as an adept, ordered.
15I gave the waiter the order naturally.
17Oysters.
18Oysters with Oysters.
19Wet Soup à la Rain.
20Fish Scales on Forks.
21False Teeth à la Cocotte.
22Horse Hair Cutlets.
23Roast Spider Tongues, Cob Web Sauce.
24Cheese It.
25Coffee and Sardines.
26Cigar Stumps.
28The Earl was delighted. As I gave the wine order, too, I ordered beer first; then brandy and soda; then soda and brandy; then a bottle of ink. Subsequently we had real claret and a dash of burgundy in it. We topped off with Lacunia Christie and small brandy duplicated six times. I was found next morning on Whitechapel road, near the brick foundry, with one of my cuffs in my trousers pocket and the other on one side of my neck. I walked home, which was only a five minutes' walk, and never paid my rent of the room up to this day. The Earl is a delightful companion.
30Dinner with Gladstone.
32Among my most intimate acquaintance is a man who once saw Gladstone at a distance in a bansom, or at least he thought it was Gladstone, because the man was supposed to wear a Gladstone bag. This gentleman invited me to dine with him once on a curb in Tottenham Court Road. Our menu was as follows:
34Oyster Shells.
35Pie.
36Hazel Nuts.
37Bread à la Stale.
38Cucumber Peel, Dried.
39Wind Cakes.
40Coffee Sandwich.
41Pipes.
43Of course, you all know Mr. Gladstone's features; thousands of lithographs, prints, engravings, &c., &c., are to be seen which show how he looks. That's the way he looked when we had that dinner.
45Dinner with Jack the Ripper.
47Being intimately acquainted with all the literary authorities in London I naturally also met the scientists from, the celebrated surgeon Jack the Ripper down. I was really once taken for him after both of us had reached our popularity. This great man, after one of his greatest operations, invited me to one of his choice dinners. A policeman in civilian's uniform sat at the table adjoining ours. I could tell it was a policeman because he was constantly watching me. This was the Bill of Fare:
49Tripe, still warm.
50(Esophagus Soup.)
51Kidneys à la fourchette.
52Lips on toast (Hare).
53Animalcule Fritters.
54Roast Liver.
55Red Head Cheese.
56Milk.
58Mr. Ripper is an epicurean; so am I, and we enjoyed ourselves hugely. We drank saliva, one of the most celebrated brands. I can taste it yet. Very old too, let me tell you it was, not bottled.
60Dinner with Daniel F. Beatty.
62At the time when Daniel was prosperous I was his great friend; after he got into trouble I drifted away from him. That's my usual way, even with myself. Daniel had the habit of running up from Washington, New Jersey, every now and then just to learn how to eat by inviting me to dinner at Del's, and paying for it. He was flush in those days, and I always managed to get some boodle from him besides. I knew I could never be of any help to him, but I easily made him think so. Just before both of us busted the latest time (not the last time, for I shall bust again, you of course know) Daniel wired me to meet him in the evening at Del's. I knew what it meant, and I ordered the dinner in advance. Although Daniel was virtually already busted, it was known to a few only, but one of those happened to be at Del's, and gave the proprietor a wink.
64We sat down, but soon a gentleman in a dress suit walked up to us and told us that the dinner had to be paid for in advance, and that only after payment would the order be executed. Daniel hadn't a cent with him. Of course you know I seldom have any. There we were. I append the fare that night:
66Two crackers.
68Daniel liked it immensely. We enjoyed ourselves immensely watching the guests smoke delicious cigars.
70Dinner with Henry Irving.
72You know it was I who really made Henry Irving what he is to-day. Not an actor, for no one takes him for one, but in one sense I made his reputation. The secret is this: He punctiliously avoided me, and that fixed him socially and otherwise. Some years ago I accidentally walked into one of those Owl Wagons called the Wayside Inn. There is one at Herald square, and others all over town now. When I got in I found a playbill of Henry Irving, part of which had been used to wrap up sandwiches. Henry Irving! Magnetic name for me. I knew that he never would appreciate the meal I ate that night. It was exceedingly select:
74One rusk,
75One waffle,
76No coffee.
78The generous proprietor, noticing my bashful attitude and the shine on me clothes, offered me a half a peanut, but I accepted it. Would that Irving had not left so soon; but then his London engagements, you know!
80***
82These are some of Jake Fake's dinner experiences, and there are few men to-day who can show up so little after claiming so much. That is one of the great advantages of being such a dining genius. Jake was telling me some time ago that he could remember the time vividly when he had nothing to eat at all, but that that never interfered with his telling lies right along. He calls it the alliance of emptiness with morality. He has pronounced ideas of a socialistic tendency. His system of commune is based upon the theory that if everybody would pay him all he needs he could eat all the time, but the only curse associated with that would be found in his lack of time, which alone would prevent him from writing his eating experience.
84Then Jake is deliciously reminiscent. He actually swears upon it that he was born different from most of us piano men. We were all born on a certain day or night, but he wasn't born at all. He was found, and his family was the first that reached him, and thereupon claimed him. Most of the family subsequently regretted this, but it was too late. He had had time by that time to borrow, and every member of the family soon learned what that meant. When his family finally got tired he started in to borrow from strangers, but as soon as he got acquainted with them well enough to call them by their front names they stopped loaning to him, all except piano and organ men. They are the only ones that continue to keep it up. They ought really to continue this right along. He is such a source of amusement to them that they ought to pay for the periodical circuses, for that, after all, is all there is to his periodical periodicals.
86Jake is a highly intellectual personage. I am afraid you don't appreciate him at his full value, particularly when he is full. There is something about Jake's intellect that is amazing. Just think of putty! You know putty is elastic, you can pull and stretch and flatten it out, and after a while it gets hard and brittle and it crumbles. That's the way with Fake's intellect; it is hard and brittle and it crumbles to pieces all at a crack. I have seen Jake stand on his feet and think. It looked like thinking. His face would become sombre and dense and around his brow you could see a haze of mist, a mirage of mire, intellectual mire, you know!
88Then you know, of course, that Jake is very poetic; in fact in his own opinion Shakespeare cuts no ice at all; just one of his neat little fads. Nothing dangerous about
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